Dealing with Loneliness

I welcomed another surprise visitor on Saturday – my mother.

For those who don't know, I don't stay with my family. So it was a good thing I was at home on Saturday when mommy popped by.

As usual, she went through her nag-spiel that lasted thankfully only five minutes this time. Probably because I was busy trying to find out what was wrong with my wayward computer (turns out it was attacked by a worm virus, damn!). Then we had a simple hawker fare dinner before I treated her to ice cream.

So there we were two females, mother-daughter, sitting at the void deck talking about life over ice cream.

I can't remember how we came to the topic of gender relationships but mommy said something which, as usual, made sense. She pointed out that when you're in a relationship, you'll have your share of problems. So being single appeals to you. But when you’re single, sometimes the loneliness may be too much to bear.

It took me less than 30-seconds to reply her. I told her that I can handle loneliness better than relationship problems. Only because loneliness is something that one person can solve, but relationship problems involve the two people in the relationship, and perhaps even more people (friends, relatives etc). It's more troublesome, more emotionally draining and takes up more time. She agrees with me.

For the last three years and a little more, I've known that the real reason why I shy away from a serious relationship is not from the lack of suitors. It's because I'm unwilling to face the possible and probable problems that I may encounter. I figured that I can avoid all that by remaining single because I'm more adept at handling single-hood issues.

Yes, it's cowardly. I know. But instead of investing time and energy to solve problems that involve at least another individual other than you, I'd rather channel that time and energy into occupying myself with other activities.

The toughest challenge I face now is fully accepting someone into my life again. You can say I feel safe in my selfish, self-centred world. Letting someone in means changing your life's expectations, your daily schedule and compromising. I'm still too selfish to do all that.

So many times I've met guys who fit the criteria, yet so many times I've pushed them away. Yet I know it's foolish to let someone good slip by because opportunity only knocks once.

Two sides of me battling it out. Which one will emerge victorious?